What is betrayal? What forms does it come in? How does it affect us? If you are looking for answers in the above questions, you’re at the wrong place. I cannot help you find them. I can barely help myself. All I can talk about is my own experience. Which sucks.
It’s been several days since what I consider the biggest betrayal of my life, so far. I still hope that I’ll find out it was a hoax. A bad one. But a hoax. However the clues are gathering slowly. And they all point the other way.
I am torn. My heart wants this to be a lie. My brain probably saw all the signs. I hadn’t recognised them as such like and that is the biggest mind fuck of them all.
How could I have been so blind? How did I miss the signs? Was I so desperate for such a connection with a person that I didn’t understand the deceit? Was it always there? All the times that I had been the voice of reason, was I just delaying the inevitable? Where those times warning signs about what was to come? Was I lied to? Was I stupid and gullible?
Do I deserve to feel stupid? Do I deserve to feel like trash? Do I deserve this behaviour? For the last three questions, I do know the answers. No, I don’t deserve those things.
I deserve the best. Why? I expect the best. I expect honesty and integrity from those around me.
If you don’t have both those things, if you can’t look at me in the eyes. You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve my loyalty. You don’t deserve the fierce way I fight for those I consider mine.
I am not perfect. But I am trying my best. I only ask simple things. And I deserve them. If you can’t recognise that, then our ways will part.
I am now mourning all of what I lost. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I went through denial very quickly and totally skipped bargaining. I go round in circles between angry, sad & disappointed, and finally accepting the truth.
My heart hurts. But my brain is slowly getting over it. I may be able to see it as something already done and over sometime in the future, but my heart will take longer to mend from being treated and discarded like trash. Like I never meant anything.
And that was the biggest treason of all.
If you need me, you’ll find me having a glass of wine and licking my wounds, hugging my boyfriend, my dog, or both.